I have a few things I would like to say I don’t know if you will be able to understand but I hope you do.
I get up every day and am gracious for life but that doesn’t mean am alright. I am constantly fighting a battle with my life, will I make it through this day, will I be alright. I refuse to succumb to the circumstances I face but that doesn’t mean am alright. I want to be better than I was yesterday and greater than I can be tomorrow but that doesn’t mean am alright.
My life has never been one where it was all black and white, my success didn’t come overnight I HAD TO FIGHT. I am proud of who I am and where I am but don’t think I don’t sometimes fall. I wish many a time I didn’t have to fight this hard but truth is I wouldn’t be the same if i didn’t. It’s not that my life is bad because currently I have a great life but everything does get overwhelming at times and I tend to drift back to the person I once was. I sometimes cry but can’t figure out why I am upset, hurt or in pain. I know I should be grateful and I am grateful but sometimes I tend to still say I want or I wish. I am constantly fighting a battle between smiling every day and showing I am fine and just giving up and showing the world I am hurting. Only issues is I don’t want to be pitied I just want to be understood and loved for who and what I am. I am tired of hearing so why didn’t you do this way or when you said this I felt bad, my intentions are to get the message across and to not hurt you or be hurt.
Give freely expecting little is what most say but the truth is I give freely and I am expecting in return just not from the same person. I will love you more than life itself but doesn’t mean I love you over life. How do I express the millions of thoughts I have towards you for you to understand when I myself is just as confused.
I’ll wake up dreading the day but at the same time excited for the day. I am caught between what I am feeling and what I should be feeling. How do I be happy when I am sad. I don’t what to get up and always be sad or have sad thoughts, the face I am showing should be the one I am truly feeling (HAPPINESS).
I wasn’t always like this there was a time when my happy face actually meant I was happy and my sad face rarely came out because I refuse to be anything but happy. Of lately though when I look at all that is happening around me I start to feel sad, I start to think how I wish things were this way and this was that way. I know I won’t always get what I want but at this time in my life, I would expect that certain things would have already been place.
I want to be happy and contented with my circumstance I just don’t remember how to do that.
Hurt and Confuse